lighter

The diet is still going well. Every day I make dinner, careful to ensure leftovers, and every day my blood sugar is within an expected range. About 30-40 points around my target. There’s something overwhelming about seeing those numbers pop up one after another on my meter; numbers that are so close to one another, three digit numbers that all start with the same digit, every single time.

After nearly four years of sugar swings that I neither understood nor felt I could control, and the resulting stress and despair and anxiety, I’m finally, miraculously, at a place that’s getting close to level. Close to predictable. And I’m realizing exactly how tired I was, and how tired I still am. The sense of relief is even tiring. I’d like to curl up and sleep for days, and then get up and start this all again, from a new place, and do it better this time. Be less afraid, and less cautious, and have more faith in my own abilities to manage my illness. Cast less blame. Nurture a trust in the predictability of cause and effect.

I know that I can do these things now. I will do these things now. But I need a break, and for a while, at least, I’m planning on coasting. Because for the first time since diagnosis, I can. And that feels like something lifting, and I feel lighter now than I have in years.

I bought myself a desk, and decorated it with photographs and old boxes and terracotta birds. I have post-it notes and highlighters and pens, and new mechanical pencils. I printed my novel and I’m editing it. It feels like the right time to do this, and I look forward to the work. I’m ready to make big changes, with less fear.

If you contacted me about a custom header, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you yet… I will soon, and I’m glad to make them. Unfortunately, I discovered that if you have Old Blogger, you need to switch to New Blogger to be able to use the custom headers. This isn’t a good option for everyone, so think it over.